Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
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I try
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Mood.. 😂
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Mornin
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:
“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Finally, a door that understands me
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.