Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
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I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season