Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

Me: welcome to my painting podcast

[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]

Me: it’s a mountain

[Movie Theater]

Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.

Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.

Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.

mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years

me hitting on a model

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours

[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”

My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.

ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]

DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!

Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card

My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg

My dinner: Haribo

ME: come here honey

HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy

ME: do you need anything from Amazon?

HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list

Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers

ME: *so high I’m screaming*

WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.

Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.

Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me

Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again

This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.

“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”

“HR? You don’t have a job.”

“Tell them that.”