Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?

bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century

“Where was you at?”

I was probably not skipping English class.

The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk

My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.

Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.

a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler

My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.

incredible google review i just found

I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.

I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*

Great!

*on blind date*

Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?

Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!

If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.

Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.

Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.

SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about

Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.

The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.

Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.

*showing my kids bobsledding clips*

My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶

Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.