jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
You Might Also Like
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”
~ now I’m scared
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Happy weekend !
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well