jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
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Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again