Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭
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hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
In space, no one can hear…
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
cyclists
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.