Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

accidentally got decaf coffee beans or as my wife calls them, “grounds for divorce”

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.

Get lost in the experience, not the park.

drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “keith@fbi.gov”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”

swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again

Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation

Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.

Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.

One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday

DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile

ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus

DAD: what virus

Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.

Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?

Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.

[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm

Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.

Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”

Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.

As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left

american computer: would u like to enable cookies

british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv

Me: The door’s locked

Salt: Push it

Me: It’s locked

Pepa: Push it

Me: That won’t work, think of something else

Salt:

Pepa:

Salt:

Pepa:

Both: Push it real good?

penguins are just ducks going to a wedding

[Deleting all work emails]

THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!

relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing

Boss: Did you have anything to add?

Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.

Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?