Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
You Might Also Like
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
I don’t think we should be adding any new states to the US until we fix whatever the fuck is wrong with New Jersey
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Poetry is my passion
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.