Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
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People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
I like long walks away from everyone
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot