Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*

Boss: What are you doing?

Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”

[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave

*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?

If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.

I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.

Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?

[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!

Me: Oh

Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?

*gets served divorce papers during the reception*

Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?

ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS

would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this

Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.

Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”

Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My hands: holding anything messy.

My phone: *ring*

I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.

Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.

Me: Seriously?

Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.

Women aren’t hard to read

For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out

You’re done bro

My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??

grocery bagger: what

Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.

Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.

My husband said we should have a ‘date night’

I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.