Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
You Might Also Like
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”