Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
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I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
This is my bus stop.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.