Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
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*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.