Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him

wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.

Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician

“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.

In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”

Me:”You mean ASAP?”

Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”

Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”

Suspect #1:

Suspect #2:

Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best

[screaming into the void]

MARCO

Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.

Wife: who are all these children?

Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids

Wife: I meant our kids

Me: yeah, that makes more sense

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.

I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”

If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.

the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own

BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.

God: you’re very small.

Ant: ok.

God: but really strong.

Ant: how strong?

God: you can-

Ant: can I lift a piano?

God: well-no.

Ant: can I lift a car?

God: no.

Ant: can I lift a-

God: you can lift a leaf.

Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.

[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking

I just passed a beer truck on the highway.

“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”

-My 6 yr old son, Miller

There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.

Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.

Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“

Me: He’s trying to silence me.

Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.

Dentist: You can rinse now.

Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.