Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
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Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Them: Good morning
Me: Where?
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”