Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
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Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I feel it
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
🤣😂🤣😂
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.