Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
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a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.