Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.

Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*

Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.

Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.

*jogging*

Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up

Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*

You’re an open book?

“Throws you into a bonfire.”

HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.

Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage

It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??

What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.

*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”

You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams

Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.

Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!

Me: Weird…

[baby finally falls asleep]

ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax

DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON

Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.

When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.

I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.

Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD

A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.

There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.

My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”

3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.

So the weekend is off to a great start.

*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!

*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!

I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”

*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.

Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.

Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup

If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.