Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.

She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.

the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”

*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG

They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.

Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.

me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane

flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not

If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.

Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like

My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.

[about to have sex]

me: fasten your seatbelt

her: oooh you’re good huh

me: no this is a race car bed

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered

Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.

just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket

#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.

If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.

A work from home email:

Dear mom,

Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.

Best,

Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations

[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out

“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”

Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?

Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”

2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”

New mom: any advice?

Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps

Mom 2: eat when the baby eats

Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email

I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.

Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.