Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”

Take your age and add 5 years to it.

That is your age in 5 years.

just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye

[on a date]

Her: I love music

Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?

me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination

me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume

Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.

*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*

We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

[job interview]

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Alcohol

“Umm ok, how about strengths?”

*pouring him a shot* Sharing

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

At ease

There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.

I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’

Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?

I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.

I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent

came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!

gf: where’s that parcel from

me: amazon

gf: what’s in it

me: *bleeding* piranhas

Morning all.

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER

Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever

Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.

Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.