[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
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neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Science memes
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.