Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*

If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.

i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.

I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff

*hides some stuff

It’s maybe 35%

Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)

All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.

Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.

When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.

A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.

I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.

Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”

Me trying to “trust the process”

[Googling]

How many calories in a glass of white wine?

*45 minutes later*

[Googling]

How many calories in a bottle of white wine?

“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade

Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.

HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?

It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think

[internet meet up, 1999]

Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.

[internet meet up, 2019]

Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.

People I hate when I’m driving:

1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.

Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.

Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.

9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.

her: i like a guy that can last long 😉

me, a piece of flavored gum: shit

Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.

Husband: This house is a prison.