Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”

I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up

ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?

Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?

Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.

Her: Why don’t you get married?

Me: I’ve never been that hungry.

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well

i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied

me: thinking about getting into necrophilia

her: over my dead body

me: that’s the spirit

“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”

I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.

-me, to my cheese and crackers.

Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

Me: How are you doing?

4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!

Me: Same though.

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone

“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”

My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready

So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?

Me: I think that’s Dave

Wife: It’s not Dave

Me: Gonna wave to him

Wife: Don’t!

Me: Hey Dave!

Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000

Me: It’s not Dave

lmfao

A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.

[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion

Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.

46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.

me: I need to see the doctor

receptionist: ok, name?

me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair