January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
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[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless