January 1st: anything is possible
January 2nd: but not today
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app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Rambo Rambow
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Stop looking for the perfect match.
Use a lighter.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”