Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle

THEM: You are not alone.

ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.

Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.

what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???

(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for

Husband opening his new radar detector…

Me- want me to run by really fast?

Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.

Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*

i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony

[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]

me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…

her: definitely

me: [turns to walk away]

her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?

Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?

Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee

i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos

I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.

Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO

Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.

Me: can I have some more hair?

The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?

[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon

Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course

Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.

The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.

My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.

My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.

If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

God: you’re a Squid.

Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.

God: what’s a Kraken?

Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.

God: wa-was that an ocean pun?

Squid: maybe, did you like it : )

God:

Squid:

God: you krilled it : )

I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.