Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill

Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand

Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”

ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”

Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude

[doctor hooking wires to my chest]

ME: What are you doing?

DOC: Echocardiogram

ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test

Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”

Me: “That’s kind of the point.”

I’ve updated my will…

“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”

If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.

love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.

Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.

We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?

one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire

12: What’s in cocktail sauce?

Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.

12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.

My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.

house sitting!

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No

Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!

If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”

Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*

Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.

“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”

“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot

If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.

Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”

That’s no way to run a business, is it?

Presumably it’s a non-executive role.