Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.

If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos

Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure

Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

*after sex

No, you cannot sleep over.

Husband:

German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”

If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?

This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.

It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?

yeah I’m a CEO

Constantly
Eating
Oreos

I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.

Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )

Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.

Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids

Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.

Fun Fact:

If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.

You’re welcome.

If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it

Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.

Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.

Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

*during sex*

Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!

Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving

“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”

Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that

gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse

-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-

flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”

the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”

Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.