Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found your tweet-up…

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

[date]

ME: Tell me about yourself

HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire

ME: That’s weird

HER: What is?

ME: Being afraid of stairs

Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.

Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross

No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.

*checks BMI chart*

*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*

[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.

You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.

My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*

Me: Well. Hi.

My cat: You’re very clingy.

My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you

My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.

Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.

Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?

Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey

Me: Tonight?

Her: Yes

[After the movie]

Her: OMG that was so hot!

Me: Mom, please just stop talking

mugger: your money or your life

me: oh you pick

Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!

Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.

Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.

[ spelling bee ]

judge: your word is feeling

me: can you use it in a sentence

judge: how are you feeling

me: ok

judge: wrong

Calling someone a “tough cookie” isn’t a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses

I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.

I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.

teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*

me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?

Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.

Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book

Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.

Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.

[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon

Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up

I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.