January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
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Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi