Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.

OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!

Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?

“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”

[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]

Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.

I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.

The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK

*being mugged*

me: “im warning you, i know karate”

mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

Finished stitching this today 😇

bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring

jeweler: how many karats

bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much

You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:

Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet

Hear toddler having meltdown at Target

Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.

Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.

You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!

1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?

zone out

I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.

Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.

I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?

In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder

Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice

Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.

The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.

If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?

ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.

I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.

It’s your fault.

HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully

PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows

Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane

i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁