January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
You Might Also Like
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
the clam before the storm
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.