Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.

You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.

Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him

Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?

Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao

Accountant: what

Willy Wonka: what

Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year

My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?

inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream

nabisco: and the outside?

inventor: absolute garbage

nabisco: stop i love it

*Rides unicorn to work*

*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

*Chats with mermaids*

*Argues with Medusa*

*Gets called in to HR*

*Fails drug test*

Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?

When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.

Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?

When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.

and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots

20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.

when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg

friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

me: I don’t know and I don’t care

How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.

Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.

My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.

Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?

Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.

guys I’m going home

There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours

Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.

I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”