Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.

[first day as lawyer]

me: obj—

judge: —shut up noob

At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.

9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.

boss: you’re late

me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour

boss: did it work

me: no, I think I need better shoes

Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.

This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”

– my best friend and the whitest man I know

at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever

I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.

We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.

Stop me if you’ve heard this already.

-said no kid ever

My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.

I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!

Death: I’m coming for you.

Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.

Death: Lol, k.

Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.

Death: You’re not even that hot.

I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.

911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.

911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.

911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.

My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.

Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”

~ Not an old Irish proverb

Me: What did you learn about at school?

10-year-old: States.

Me: What did you learn about them?

10: That there’s too many.

Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.

Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”

When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny