January has been Januweary
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*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Going to the gym “naked” means without wearing headphones. I know this now.
I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.