January is lasting longer than my marriage
You Might Also Like
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time
I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles
And guys you’re not going to believe this but….
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look