January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
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“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
my facial care routine has some really good, expensive products that my dog licks off right after
Jokes are like sex. It’s all about the buildup and at the end they laugh at you.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
me: omg goth bath bombs
santa: that’s charcoal
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on