Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As the best book lists of 2021 drop

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…

My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”

Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength

I’m just glad DoorDash doesn’t do a wrap-up of my year like Spotify does.

Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.

I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”

Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?

Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car

My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.

[Meeting]

CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-

BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”

11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.

Me: Why?

11: To practice making sounds.

Me: You mean notes?

11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.

Lucky us.

GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises

The early 2000s

My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool

Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys

Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.

A Story in Three Acts

I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.

II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.

***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***

III. Noooooooooooooooo

Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.

My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.

Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.

The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.

*performs CPR on the turkey*

Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.

Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.