January is the Mondayest month of the year
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professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I have some bad news about people who work in offices
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?