January is the Mondayest month of the year
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Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I need to know what happened here in 1620.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?