japanese corn
You Might Also Like
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”