japanese corn
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Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.