Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*

My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:

Cats are about as useful as a football bat.

*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*

…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.

My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.

Parenting is hard, you guys.

My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.

best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook

WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE

I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.

Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.

We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.

[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”

I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”

Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.

Please send chickpeas.

FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool

me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize

me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900

Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.

For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:

“sry that wsnt for u”

[At a restaurant]

Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.

Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.

Me: Those don’t come with fries.

Husband: I know.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!

Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?

Store mannequin:

In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.

i’m sure it’s fine

My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”

[post-apocalypse open mic]

Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??

Crowd: *rickets*

guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?

guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should

Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then

A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again

i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again

‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’

After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.