Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet

don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler

My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.

cop: did u see the speed limit sign

me: of course

cop:

me: but not u

How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.

Found something new to say when I leave a room.

Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.

[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]

ME: *takes picture of my home screen*

GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff

Me: why not?

GENIE: I make the rules

ME: I wish I made the rules

GENIE: …dammit

Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.

#StarWarsDay

Staying with my parents, pt. 17:

Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.

Mom: …

Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?

Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.

You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums

You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business

*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”

Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

[Halloween]

Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!

14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.

I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric

My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account

The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.

“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor

I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.

Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝

Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.

Me: Oh great, another reboot!

I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles

If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.

There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”