Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”

You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.

I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….

I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.

I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.

How to have sexy legs:

*Do lots of squats

*Go running 3x a week

*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg

*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee

*Make sure your legs go all the way up

*You can never have too many toes

*Refrigerate legs when not in use

*Wheels

My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.

Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.

What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?

Unemployed

Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)

His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.

-Oreo to milk

If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.

i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach

It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”

[stranded on Mars]

me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days

me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations

“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”

-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.

“Just put mom on the phone”

[best read with a French accent]

“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”

I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.

*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”

ROOMBA: I pick up anything

ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30

ROOMBA: No wait-

[45 minutes later]

ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?

What I say: “Agree to disagree”

What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”

A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings

Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.

Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.

“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”

the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them