Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”

Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?

Kid: What’s a phone book?

Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.

Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage

Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!

Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?

*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym*

*wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*

[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??

Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!

EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.

When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.

Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore

Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7

Me: same thing

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts

I had a 77 Datsun pickup. I came out of the mall and drove home in the wrong 77 Datsun pickup. The key worked.

My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something

What have you done…🐈🐾🥴

Sound On..🔊🆙

❤️❤️❤️

“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.

“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”

Mummies are just super modest zombies

The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”

[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]

Me: must be good genetics

Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.

It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice

me: the heart wants what the heart wants

heart: please stop drin-

me: whiskey it is

How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

10: “What are we doing today?

Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”

10: “Then what are we going to do?”

Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”