Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.

Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined

I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.

And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.

EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?

ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster

EARTH: great just checking

Ouija boards are like unannounced phone calls for ghosts

As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..

therapist: why do you do that

me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.

They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.

My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.

we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’

me: push!

wife: [in labor] I AM

me: push harder!!

wife: I CAN’T

me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]

Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat

When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.

DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-

MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?

DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.

I see your IQ test came back negative

My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.

[CRIME SCENE]

COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!

PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*

Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly

My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”

I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.

in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.