Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
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Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Check your privilege
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
[first day at the cia]
me: where鈥檚 the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 馃幎 party girls don鈥檛 get hurt 馃幎
boss: that鈥檚 sia
me: i know how it鈥檚 pronounced i work here
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Alexa: *deep breath*
funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
[at the bar]
Me: Let鈥檚 settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Me: Alexa, why can鈥檛 I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 馃槶馃拃
police: what are your names?
caspar: don鈥檛 tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.