Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
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Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Optional boss fight.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
My current situation
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.