jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
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Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
🤣🤣🤣
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently