jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
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*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Breaking news:
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.
Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Received some very disappointing news today
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice