Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should make a moral fiber supplement

Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.

Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”

My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.

Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?

me: *gets in the cart* yes.

The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing

I finished three books yesterday.

Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!

Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?

Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.

Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.

I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again

[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up

i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them

Just got a message from my kid’s teacher that she still needs someone to sign up for plates/napkins for the Christmas party and this is a trap, right?

– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.

I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards

Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!

It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!

I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???

Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒

Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.

Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…

I only say “I love you” to

1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.

Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)

My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.

[son falls over & hurts himself]

ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC

WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?

ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.

Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine

me: I need to speak with the megaster

megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers

DAMMIT!

-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.