Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.

So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men

Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!

*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.

if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again

Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.

Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?

Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.

No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”

I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.

My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.

cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller

detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today

Why do people say “get well soon”?

Why don’t you want me to get well now?

I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.

My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here

Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday

Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates

really makes you think 🤔

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no

My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.

20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.

Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.

*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”

Sir this is a daycare…

“uh huh *winks* a daycare”

If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.

I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore

If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.