Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.

I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!

I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy

*my obituary*

Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.

Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.

The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.

As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.

Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.

I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants

Well, shit

*first day as an insurance salesman*

Customer: Can I get a quote?

Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰

Customer: …

Me: …

Customer: …

Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.

Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.

Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers

Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried

The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.

Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.

What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?

If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.

I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.

people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.

If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.

HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning

I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”

Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…

ME: I’m scared of dying alone.

SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.