jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
