jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
When I take a minute to focus on my own life.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
