I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
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they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
no such thing as a dumb question
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you