Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.

Glass caskets: will they become popular?

Remains to be seen.

A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with

if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.

me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME

Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.

Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?

Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…

One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.

Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure

Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.

I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great

BARTENDER: how do you take it?

ME: personally

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.

Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet

I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.

Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?

ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.

Elf on the Shelf Log:

Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.

Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.

Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.

Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.

Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.

[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it

[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?

6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.

I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest