Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seven wives and no alcohol?

No thanks Mormons.

Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.

It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.

I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.

Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.

I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.

Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.

science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok

And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.

I get it fireworks, people set me off too.

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!

Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.

[Baseball game]

ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex

HIM: What? No, baseball came first

ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball

4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:

12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow

Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders

Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.

Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!

Inkling sounds like a baby octopus

*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding

Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.

That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout

ME: I’m here for toilet pap–

COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS

ME: But I…

COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS

ME: I just nee–

COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI

ME: *spends $472*