Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at movie theatre]

Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it

This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.

Feel. He’s so soft.

This is a sub tweet

nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will

Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.

Son: Facebook is for old people.

Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.

my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”

I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.

Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked

Me: You weren’t worried?

Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers

[commercial for evaporated milk]

IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?

To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.

Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.

Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.

Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”

Barista: …

Barista: …

Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”

Safety first

The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.

If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.

I’ve had worse

police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.

parents: arson?

police: yes, your son.

Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?

Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.

Him: So whattayou wanna do?

Her: I dunno

Him: So…You wanna play video games?

Her: No!

Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”

Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”

[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]

Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?

Friend: we can do a mock interview

Me: ok

Friend: why should we hire you

Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu

WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd

ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them

People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.