Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
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If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup