Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
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vegan witches, happy halloween!
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
welcome back
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.