Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
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If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?
Thinking about Jeff
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it