Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
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Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Get off my horse you stupid moon
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
How do you milk an almond?
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”