Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.

Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.

Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.

Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.

Me:How do you pronounce that?

*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together

I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway

“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.

I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.

Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.

Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.

Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque

Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education

Me: I’m a teacher

Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me

exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.

*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go

I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.

The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.

Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof

the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined

TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation

I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .

Herpes is trending, good job people

Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time

We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered

My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”

Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?

DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir

WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.

Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out