Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
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God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing