Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
You Might Also Like
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
This is not me but this is me
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.