Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
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Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”