Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
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[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you
me: *fires therapist*
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.