Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
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google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Smooooooth
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable