Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First Date]

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”

Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”

Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”

Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.

I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’

WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

*cop pulls me over*

Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?

Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?

*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*

“so what brings you to therapy today?”

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!

Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.

ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.

I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.

Two-word love stories:

Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea

Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?

Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu

Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.

My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.

[Getting murdered]

Me: oh no

Murderer: yup

Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet

Murderer: oh no

Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.

If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.

Needless to say…*

*mic drop

I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.

Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!