Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though

Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.

They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.

Psychology says:

People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”

I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”

[Baseball game]

ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex

HIM: What? No, baseball came first

ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball

i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying

The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.

You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*

It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing

By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.

I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.

The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”

Maybe I eat too much pizza …

when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.

Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.

I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”

2024 has been a rough few years

When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie

[first rap battle]

me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart

opponent: please stop crying

Me: I love holding your hands

Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back

Cop: know how fast you were going?

Me: 30

Cop: faster

Me: 217

Cop: what? no 72

Me: 54

Cop: I already told-

Me: negative 12

Cop: get out

My retirement plan is to become a cat.

Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.

Date: So what’s your backstory?

Me: Arthritis.