Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.

a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers

Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink

I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?

[on phone]

ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?

HER: We broke up. I told you last night

ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?

[playing the game of life]

instructions: the player with the most money wins

me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic

Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.

Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?

Spiritist: not tonight love.

Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.

I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.

Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.

Typos are dangerous, you guys.

“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer

Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.

My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”

[before sex]

ME: Did you notice I waxed?

WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”

We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.

Dance like you’re not the father

I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.

“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦

why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?